We recently suffered the very unexpected loss of our 15-year-old daughter. It was quite sudden and obviously, struck us all extremely hard. Over the last several months we have learned a lot and would like to share some tips and ideas for others to help support someone when they suffer such a loss. Whether it is their child, a sibling, parent, or even a good friend, there are many compassionate things you can do that will help. I promise.
Offer Immediate Help
In the very early days, we were flooded with offers to help and people asking what they could do.
- Provide meals: Find out if a meal train has been set up and drop off or have ready-to-eat meals delivered. A great alternative is gift cards for local restaurants or food and grocery delivery. One friend showed up with a grocery bag of easy-to-fix breakfast items for our son, snacks, and some treats. Another friend showed up with cases of water, soda, sparkling water, and bags of ice after confirming we had ice chests (otherwise she would have brought those also). This made it super easy to have guests help themselves when they stopped by and didn't spoil or go bad if didn't get used up right away like a meal might.
- Provide items to make day-to-day things easier: Paper plates, plastic ware, paper cups, and paper products such as toilet paper and napkins are of tremendous help in the early days.
- Assist with arrangements: This can include gathering items for memorial, helping with funeral plans, helping day of at the service, offering a guest room to out-of-town family, etc. We had a friend pick up picture frames that were offered to us on our local Buy Nothing Group. This friend also helped get the framed photos to and from the church for the Celebration of Life. Several friends helped with setting up and throughout the Celebration of Life, or getting plants and flowers from the funeral to the memorial. Another friend handled flowers for us while yet another created a photo slideshow. It was so helpful to just show up and be in the moment.
- Help with daily tasks: Do they have other children? Offer to take care of them or help with school drop off and pick up. Help clean their house. Go grocery shopping.
Give Them Space
This can be hard. But ask before assuming. While it was very supportive to have our friends and family surround us, we did need the quiet and calm by ourselves at times as well.
- Respect: Tears will likely be plentiful. Be patient and understanding through the hard moments.
- Be willing to drop off without a visit: Remember why you are helping. They may not be up to even getting dressed at the moment, much less having any face-to-face time with someone, even a good friend.
Be Present and Available:
Our friends and family were quick to show their amazing support. This will never be forgotten. Several continue to be there for us all the time.
- Be there: Simply being there can be comforting. Hold their hand, give them a hug, just be there, if they desire.
- Share a meal: If time allows AND they are up to it, offer to eat with them. I hardly ate anything for over a week. But I was happy to have several friends and family who were there for a meal while we cried or laughed and remembered our daughter.
- Listen: It's healing to share memories. Don't be uncomfortable if they want to talk about their loved one. There's no need to try to "fix" their pain or offer statements such as "everything happens for a reason." But at the same time, understand that it's better to reach out and speak than to disappear.
Acknowledge Their Loss
Sometimes it feels like people avoid it. I know it's not an easy thing, but the acknowledgement shows you honor their loved one and their loss.
- Express condolences: This can be a very simple, "I'm so sorry for your loss" or "I can't even imagine how hard this is for you." Simply being thoughtful and compassionate is what is important.
- Say their loved one's name: Some felt that it would make me sad to talk about her. But the truth is, I will always be sad and miss her. Bringing her up isn't going to make this worse. It may cause a few tears in the moment, but I feel that it also shows you recognize our loss and loved or cared for them as well. And I love talking about her so truly appreciate those who are comfortable to allow me to do so.
Avoid Hurtful Comments
While I do feel saying something is better than saying nothing at all, there are a few things we heard that did hurt some.
- Do not minimize their pain: Avoid saying things like, "They are in a better place now" or "At least you have other kids." While these might be actual facts, it doesn't change a single thing and is dismissive.
- Do not push them to move on: There is no timeline with grief. They will always grieve but at various depths and moments. All them to process at their own pace.
Honor Their Child's Memory
- Create something meaningful: Write a letter sharing your own memories, plant a tree, create a scrapbook, etc. We have received some very kind and thoughtful gifts. A photo blanket, a photo album, photo memory jewelry, stained glass art, photo tiles, several trees planted in her name, a star named after her, and more - each item reminding us just how special she was not only to us, but many others.
- Celebrate milestones: Send a note or card on important dates to show you are thinking of them.
- Make a donation: Donate to a cause or charity in their child's name.
Be Consistent Over Time
In the beginning, visitors were constant and people were always checking in. But the need for comfort, friendship, and support doesn't go away. Grief doesn't end after the funeral.
- Show up: I have a few friends that I meet weekly for breakfast or lunch with their little ones while all our older kids are at school. This gives us a chance to visit and connect and for me to be with people who care about me and loved my daughter. We also get together with other friends and family, which sometimes takes great effort to make happen, but is important to do so.
- Check in regularly: A simple text reminds them you are thinking about them. Remember birthdays, special dates, or holidays that might be especially painful.
- Offer continued support: Be there for the long haul. Go to lunch, offer to bring dinner for a visit, etc.
Encourage Professional Help, if Needed
- Gently suggest counseling or support groups: This is especially important if they are showing signs of depression or despair. Offer to help find resources, if needed.
Through it all, let your care and compassion lead you. While your grieving friend may not always be able to easily say what they need, your genuine support and friendship can make a huge difference.
